The news, my way.

Every day, I peruse the news for all the most important current events of the day, or at least I try to. Today, for example, none of the important stuff caught my eye whatsoever. Instead, I was reeled in by all the smutty stuff on CNN.com, the kind of stuff that can’t possibly hold any bearing on the world stage but we sick humans can’t get enough of. I think everybody needs an example to really comprehend what I’m saying:

Exhibit A: Tara Conner

“Iwasan equality opportunity— I would tryanything once.”

Hot damn. Numbers one and two aside, meet Tara Conner, the alcoholic Miss USA who undoubtedly avoided being stripped of her crown by doin’ a little sum’in’ sum’in’ for Donald Trump, the head executive of the Miss USA pageant. The controversy began upon her arrival in New York after winning the pageant, when she proceeded to get sloshed every night, snuck boys from the clubs into her Trump Palace apartment, did cocaine, and lustily made out with Miss Teen USA. But that’s old news (circa December 2006).

See, there was a report on CNN today about an interview with her in People magazine, and the dumbness of hot people just depresses me deeply. I mean, check out this gem:

“I didn’t think I had an issue — but I was willing to do anything to save my job. … I’ve realized that I suffer from the disease of alcoholism and addiction.”

Did this realization come before or after the realization that she’d lose all her endorsements and her posh apartment, I wonder? It continues:

“I was an equality-opportunity (user) — I would try anything once,”

Equality-opportunity. See that folks? She’s for civil rights! No wonder Trump kept her. But oh, there’s yet more. She describes her alcoholism as “a craving thing — once I put it in my body, I would start craving more,” but she emphasizes that she wasn’t “getting sloppy drunk and dancing on tables.” Yeah, because that would be demeaning. It’s much more liberating for a young woman to do lines of cocaine and sleep with random men from clubs.

Tara, I hope I never hear from or read about you ever again. That’s not to say you’ll play no role in my life….but thank goodness for Google Image Search. Now on to exhibit B.

Exhibit B: Mayor Newsom (San Francisco)

“Bros before hoes.” —a wise unknown brutha

Mayor Gavin Newsom (the dashing gentleman to your left) would have done well to heed this advice. See, he got caught having an affair with his own campaign manager’s wife, as reported here. Clearly, the campaign manager must have done his job since Newsom’s now the mayor, so maybe Newsom should have kept his dick in his pants and worked on his job. You’re the mayor of San Francisco. Even if we ignore the rumors of the city’s rampant homosexuality that would leave hordes of women ripe for your plucking, you’ve got to have more than enough ladies from whom to choose who aren’t your campaign manager’s wife. Instead, Newsom chose to screw over the guy who was probably too busy running his campaign to give his wife any.

“Any guy who puts that much mousse in his hair can’t be trusted” —TomAbbott(resident)

Maybe I’m going at it all wrong. Maybe Newsom was doing the guy a favor. See, his wife needed to be loved, and his manager was clearly too busy working on the campaign to take care of business. Being a virtuous man, Newsom had to perform his civic duty. “You can’t just leave a woman alone night after night,” he must have thought to himself as he prepared himself for his heavy responsibility. Gosh, he’s nearly as epic as the goddamn Batman!

Look at that face. Gavin Newsom. An honest man. Hot-and-bothered women-folk of San Francisco, he shall satisfy you when your husbands are away!

Of course, not everybody agrees with me. As CNN reports, one person interviewed called it a “a total slimeball move,” noting that “Any guy who puts that much mousse in his hair can’t be trusted.” At least one messiah disagrees…

“You don’t fuck with mousse, and you don’t fuck with Xenu.”

Pontificating deeply on the ramifications of these ideas, I have only one clear, final statement to make on the subject:

“Baby, please never come near a man with mousse in his hair. I love you.”

Friday, February 2nd, 2007 : Current Events : 1 Comment

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